Yoga Pants Life

Between a hysterectomy, shingles, preparing myself to provide care/support for a loved one with health issues, and general life stuff, it’s no secret that 2025 is kicking my ass every which way. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom several times this year. My dentist even suggested Botox to help me stop clenching my jaw.

By the end of July, I was still in pain from shingles (three months later) and I felt beyond run down. It didn’t matter how much I rested/slept, I struggled to feel better. I went for a run one day and the next morning, I noticed a new spot where my shingle scar is. Needless to say, I hightailed it to the doctor’s office, where I proceeded to cry my way though the appointment.

I ended up going back on gabapentin for shingles pain (taking the meds 3 times a day meant I was still exhausted, but at least the pain was under control) and I basically pulled back from everything and worked a very flexible schedule in August. I limited exercise to short Peloton rides and gentle yoga. I was on a mission to get my nervous system under control. I even cancelled my Botox appointment because I didn’t want to add any additional hoopla for my body to figure out while it was trying to repair.

Thankfully, I felt so much better by the end of August. In fact, I felt better than I had in years. I’m not sure exactly when or how it happened, but I stopped living in fight-or-flight mode. To the point when I received some very bad news in early September, I was calm. Like, eerily calm. My brain wasn’t racing with thoughts of everything that could go wrong or all the worst-case scenarios. Instead, I stayed calm, researched what I could without veering into doomsday territory, and planned for what the future would look like.

That being said, I feel like I had regressed a little over the weekend. All it took was hearing a weird noise from one of my cats to send me back into fight or flight mode (both kitties have seizures and it breaks my heart). Even though everything was fine (they were just playing) I could feel my heart racing, followed by my mind. I thought I was about to have a full blown panic attack.

I did my best to collect myself and use all the tools and tricks I knew of in that moment to calm down (deep breathing, naming things I could see, hear, and touch, etc.). I may or may not have also resorted to taking a small dose of an edible (I use them for sleep a lot, but I try to avoid using them during the day. They make me ‘stupid’ and I just don’t love the feeling of that. It’s rare that I take one during the day).

Once I calmed down, it hit me (before the edible kicked in). I’m pretty sure I have lived the bulk of my adult life in fight or flight mode (it’s honestly a miracle that I didn’t get shingles sooner). Always scanning for things that could go wrong. Always worrying about the future. Always worried about the health of my loved ones. Never fully allowing myself to just relax and enjoy the moment. I truly don’t think I’ve unclenched since the day my dad died in 2001. I was 18.

And to be honest, I’m not sure I fully realized just how calm I’ve been over the last two months, until I wasn’t. I don’t think I can take another 20+ years of living in fight-or-flight. I don’t WANT to live that way anymore. Life is going to be full of unpleasant surprises, and those surprises will happen whether or not I’m riddled with anxiety about it.

I mean, talk to me next month when I’m deep in the throes of caretaking and working full time while still managing a household (I truly don’t know how people with kids do it). But for now, I’m doing my best to never get back in that place again. If nothing else, I’d like to put of the Botox for as long as I can.