Yoga Pants Life

First of all, is unstuck even a word?

I mean, I’m on a computer (obviously) so it’s not like I can’t google it, but I just don’t care enough to do so.

Anyway…

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago. At least, as long as you don’t count my annoying and unfunny ‘my only resolution is to not make a stupid resolution’ resolutions.

Anyway, last year I decided that I didn’t want to make a traditional resolution, but for some reason I felt compelled to choose a word – a word that would sort of guide my year and hopefully culminate in a grand change at the end. I settled on ‘home’ as I was going through a bout of depression and feeling really stuck last January. I’ll spare the details as to why, but it was a perfect storm of not taking meds, pet issues, my living situation (complete with terrible, noisy neighbors), and a lot of other things. Even though I lived in my current house longer than any other house in my life, I didn’t feel at home. So that was that – my word for 2023 was ‘HOME’ and dang it, I was determined to find one.

I eagerly began stalking Zillow and narrowing down cities I’d want to live in. After a lot of deliberation, I landed on Phoenix. It was a reasonable driving distance to Southern California and an even shorter flight. The cost of living, while not cheap, was much less than Southern California and it seemed like I could live a relatively comfortable life there. Yes, it’s a ‘red’ or ‘purple’ state, and I know AZ runs a tight ship so to speak, but since it’s on a purple trajectory, it felt close enough (and for what it’s worth, CA isn’t the liberal haven that people think it is…yes, it’s very blue, but it was red not so long ago and once you get about 30 miles inland, well, it’s not that blue). I also really wanted to stay on the West Coast. I LOVE visiting the east coast and my favorite cities are in the Midwest and East Coast, but it just never felt like home.

I love the desert and while I recognize that visiting the desert for a week or two out of the year is very different than actually living there, if you think about it, weather is far from ideal anywhere…it’s just a matter of what you’re willing to put up with. I can absolutely tolerate heat, especially if I have access to a pool and AC. Furthermore, my plan no matter where I end up is to rent first to make sure I like the area and all that goes with it. I wouldn’t hesitate to buy in Southern California or the Sacramento area because I’ve already lived there and know how I feel about it. Unfortunately, neither area is in my price range, so, I won’t be buying a home somewhere, sight unseen.

Anyway, that settled it, HOME was the theme of 2023 for me…or so I thought, as I made the mistake of telling people what my plans were, and suffice it to say, nearly everyone shat all over that option. Now, that will never necessarily stop me from doing something or living somewhere, but what felt like a way to ‘unstick’ myself became a black cloud hanging over me and I just lost my drive to keep looking…and I think deep down, I was (and still am) frustrated that my home state, my state that I love so deeply, is out of reach for me on my own. I kind of feel like ‘why should I have to move? I’ve lived here my entire life!’…but facts don’t care about feelings and all that jazz.

The year also flew by much more quickly than I thought and by the time summer rolled around, I knew that I was likely staying put at least another year or two. Though, I took a trip in October that made me reconsider the East Coast as a potential future landing spot.

So, on to 2024 – it’s almost mid-February and I still don’t have a word, resolution, or theme for the year. And you know what? That’s ok. Various factors that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here have me staying put where I am for at least another year or two, but I’m also thinking a lot about what I want the rest of my 40s to look like.

Does that mean a career switch, or sticking where I am and hoping that I’ll break into the area of my workplace that I really want to be in? Does it mean moving out of California, or staying put until I feel more stable? (I stopped living paycheck to paycheck a few years ago and while I’m not rolling around in a pool full of money a la Scrooge McDuck, I’m not doing terrible either). Does it mean going balls-to-the wall with savings so I can retire on the early side of things (which would also require staying put). Does it mean taking more risks? I just don’t know.

I would like to figure it out at some point this year though, whatever that looks like.

And I’d like to share about it here. I miss writing and I’ve always been so afraid of people finding this that I feel restrained…like I can’t write fully about how I think or feel…and a lot of my story isn’t just about me. There are others involved too and sometimes it’s wonderful and other times it’s a source of sadness for me. I never want my writing to hurt someone else (or make me look like a petty, evil person, ha!) But I just forked over the cash for another year of this domain name and I’m dying for a creative outlet, so here we are.

Let the journey of becoming unstuck begin…whatever that means and whatever it may bring.

**and since I’m just trying to get back into writing as a creative outlet, this blog will likely look boring for a while…but posting pictures feels far too overwhelming at the moment and I don’t want that to stop me before I really get started.

Annual update time…

I thought I posted a blog about my experience finishing the 2022 Chicago Marathon (barely,) but apparently I never actually published it. Not shocking, given my general lack of posting. Since then, I’ve completed the LA Marathon (also, barely) and I start training this week for the Santa Barbara Wine Country Half Marathon and the San Diego Rock and Roll Half Marathon later this spring.

My hotel was right on the river and City Winery was on the other side of the river – I took myself out the next day for the finest bubbles I could find for $15…and it really made me miss all the phenomenal local sparkling wines at home.

In hindsight, I probably should have given my body an extra year of recovery and building back up after surgery last year. I really underestimated how long it would take to feel normal. And really, I had mostly stopped running during the pandemic anyway because I was in a lot of pain pre-surgery. I guess figured that because it was a 2 hour outpatient procedure (that should have only been 45 min to an hour) that I’d bounce back as if nothing happened, and, well, that was not the case. I was so hell-bent on running the marathons and I was also bitter because at that point, I had already missed out on 3 races because of the surgery and I didn’t want to miss Chicago or LA again.

I ran a 5k the day before the marathon, and I did it specifically for the medal…as a life-long fan of the Dodgers, it was necessary. And I plan to do both again next year…and add in the Santa Monica Classic 10k in September and Rose Bowl Half in January so that I can add a 4th medal in 2024.

I don’t regret doing the marathons, but if I had to do it all over again, I definitely would have waited until 2024 to do any distance beyond a 10K. Also, I’m just really happy I actually finished. I earned my slowest times ever, but hey, at least I finished. And I have several hundred dollars of race gear to prove it, lol.

But some good came out of it – with the Chicago Marathon looming last fall, I joined a virtual running/coaching group and ended up finding a place where I feel like I belong – truly, this group of women is so incredibly supportive, and I’m not sure I would have finished either marathon without their support/guidance. My ‘worst fears’ (short of a DNF) came true for both races, but I still pushed through and finished. It’s hard to be mad about that, even if I’m not happy about my times. If I hadn’t been in a ‘bad’ place with running, I might not have joined and now I can’t imagine running without them now.

In other news, I passed the one year mark of the surgery last month and I have to say, things aren’t perfect – I still have pain in the area where my ovary had to be separated from my intestines/stomach, and I definitely still get a little uncomfortable around the time I ovulate (with my sad, wonky remaining ovary…and really, it’s hard to tell what’s happening since my ablation was successful and no more bleeding!) but y’all – life is SO much better. I truly didn’t realize just how much pain I was in until I wasn’t. I thought it was normal to go through that. Endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women (possibly more)...why isn’t this one of the FIRST things OBGYNs look for? I mean, I KNOW why. But it really sucks #fuckthepatriarchy

Sometimes it’s weird to think that I will never, ever be able to get pregnant (and if I have to explain to someone one more time that no, miracles cannot happen in my situation…UGH…can we PLEASE STOP asking women when/how many babies they are going to have?!) but I know it was the right decision and getting pregnant would have been highly unlikely anyway with scar tissue covering so many organs. I worry about having to disclose this to future partners (though, I guess when you’re in your 40s, it’s a conversation that has to be had anyway.) I’m open to adopting, fostering, or using a surrogate if I meet someone and they want to have children, but I’m also open to living a child-free life as well. I truly believe life can still be great either way.

I wish I didn’t have to waste so much of my 20s and 30s in absolute agony – truly, I feel like I wasted so much time being miserable and canceling plans…endometriosis doesn’t just feel miserable physically, it’s also a beast to deal with mentally. I’ll have to document the whole experience one day, especially since I’m sharing my experience more and more…I’ve had a few people ask me about it and I feel like I overwhelmed them with my answers. If I wrote it all out, they could read as much (or as little) as they wanted and come back to it when they are ready (I hate myself right now…I sound like an influencer ‘hey, guys! I just wanted to hop on here because I’ve been getting a lot of questions about xyz…’)

Best expo site and marathon starting line ever – driving and parking sucked, but it was totally worth it to be at the stadium

In the meantime, I have plenty of time to bounce back this summer before I start training for 2024 LA Marathon later this fall. I really want to focus on getting faster and stronger, which means a lot more time working out and working on fueling and resting properly. I’m also looking at some big life changes in 2024, which brings me to my next item.

After two and a half years of hard work, I FINALLY have a 5-figure emergency fund. It’s enough for me to get by for 6 months without turning to credit cards or pulling money out of retirement funds (the one thing I’ve actually been good at saving.) Granted, it wouldn’t be a fun 6 months – there definitely isn’t room for non-essential items, but that’s ok. An emergency fund isn’t there for funsies. Life is so different when you have a safety net. I spent my entire 20s living on the edge…going weeks in between paychecks with less than $5 in my bank accounts. My early 30s were better…I at least had a little safety net, but it’s amazing how quickly one ’emergency’ can wipe out a $2,000 savings account. Anyway, I feel a lot less stressed now and know that I can weather most financial storms that will come my way.

I will say, since I hit the number I didn’t think was possible, I’ve been a bit stagnant with savings. I need to figure out what’s next. Do I save more in a regular savings account and aim for a 12 month emergency fund? Do I leave ‘good enough’ alone and focus on saving for a move (likely out of state…sigh. I love CA, but it’s not cheap to live here.) Or do I stop ‘saving’ and throw everything above and beyond retirement and into my taxable investment account? AHHHH!!!! I also still have some debt to take care of, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll be just fine. They don’t tell you how much you care about things like insurance and investments as an adult, haha.

I also need to start saving for an impending move so that I don’t have to touch my emergency fund when the time comes. Ultimately, the plan right now is to move out of state – likely to Arizona (Colorado, Nevada, Sacramento and Palm Desert are all on the short list though and the latter two don’t require a move out of state.) I want to rent for a few years to make sure I like living wherever I end up and then hopefully buy a house in the next 5-7 years.

Until next time…

Well, hello there! It’s time for the biannual life update that possibly one person will read. Lots of things have happened in the last 8? 12? Months since I last updated this little corner of the internet.

I turned 40 in February – something I’ve been dreading since I was, well, 30. But 40 is the new 25, right? Surprisingly, I don’t hate being 40. So far, it’s much better than my 30s. I mean, I know it’s only been a couple of months and there’s still plenty of the decade left for shit to hit the fan, but this one just feels different.

The biggest piece of news is that I had surgery three days before my 40th birthday. Yeah, that was a FUN birthday, let me tell you. I went from planning a half-marathon running vacation over my birthday, to barely being able to get out of bed for my birthday. The end result has been 100% worth it though. I’ve spent most of the last five years feeling like absolute garbage, so it’s bonkers to finally feel good. It’s still hard to believe sometimes.

I had my left ovary and my appendix removed, along with my fallopian tubes. I also had a uterine ablation while I was already under. The first few days of recovery were brutal – I couldn’t keep any food or liquid down for 36 hours (I managed a few very, very small sips of liquid, but other than that, it was puke city. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to vomit with stomach incisions? Because I do!) Things became a lot more manageable after the 48 hour mark and while that first week was painful, I would take it any day of the week over what I’ve been feeling for the past few years.

It got to a point where I was in pain from a brisk walk (I felt like there was a softball in my pelvis) and I was nauseous all the time. I also got full super quickly. Most any small or regular sized meal felt like Thanksgiving dinner. And the bleeding. Oh the bleeding. And bloating. I took lots of pre-surgery pics of the bloating because it was that bad. I seriously looked 8 months pregnant. And all of this was on birth control pills. Sadly, the BC pills were a huge step up from what I experienced when not on them. When not taking BC, I was out of commission for 2+ weeks a month and standing up straight between days 8-14 of my cycle was impossible without extreme pain. I almost went to the ER twice for pain (in hindsight, probably a cyst bursting.)

BC took away some of the worst symptoms, but things felt heavy a few weeks into a new pack (I don’t know how else to describe it. It felt like I had a mini-kettle bell in my pelvis.) Both pelvic ultrasounds I had prior to surgery confirmed heavy bleeding even while on BC (I can only imagine what those ultrasounds would have looked like without.)

Everything took a backseat. I gave up working out. I was too afraid of committing to events/plans, for fear I wouldn’t be able to function. I was just done.

I was initially hesitant about the ablation since it meant that I would not be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. However, at the age of 39 it was becoming more and more clear that getting pregnant was unlikely to happen and deep down, I had already made my peace with not having children. After many heartfelt talks with close friends and family, I came to the realization that if I really, really wanted to be pregnant, I probably would have done something about it sooner. Perhaps I would have actively sought out a partner. Perhaps I would have froze my eggs or attempted IVF or IUI on my own. Who knows?

Anyway, it hit me while I was in the shower one night – why on earth would I continue to put myself through the pain and discomfort every month on the off chance that I might meet someone and get pregnant in the next year or two? Would I even be able to get pregnant at 40 with all of my health issues? Probably not. So, I went through with the ablation while I was already under from everything else.

I’m nearly 10 weeks out and I’m 99% happy with my decision. I think there will always be a small part of me that will struggle with the finality of all of it. On the flip side, every month that I don’t have to deal with the pain and discomfort makes it all worth it. I don’t know what life may have in store for me. I’m open to adopting or fostering in the future. There are still options for me if I chose to parent in the future.

In the meantime, I’m focused on getting back to running and building my financial future – two very different goals, obviously. But two very important goals nonetheless. Maybe I’ll elaborate on both of those in my next biannual update.

Wow…only five months between my last post and this post – breaking records here, people!

I avoid writing here because it requires me to be vulnerable about my life, and/or requires me to share things about people in my life that probably don’t belong on the internet. Plus, I have a job and all that jazz. And yet, the thought of not having this silly little corner of the interwebs that nobody reads makes me sad. But I feel the need to get a few things out, so, here we go…

As per usual, this post will have a bit of everything, so, stick with me here…

Anyway, things have changed (mostly for the better) from my last post, and for that, I’m pretty darn grateful. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s better. I’m sure getting vaccinated (I choose to put my trust in actual doctors and scientists, not conspiracy theorists, so don’t @ me,) and having life return to some semblance of normalcy has really helped. I mean, I will never, ever, be ready to put on ‘hard pants’ (aka, non-elastic-based pants) and return to the office (though, I may not have to at all…remains to be seen) but doing things like going to a friend’s house, or going out to eat have been game changers. And while I’ve so, so enjoyed my weekly parking lot wine tastings (God bless small businesses that figured out how to keep going during various closures) I must admit that it’s really nice to have the option to drink indoors again.

The fact that Baxter has been doing much better lately has also been huge. He’s still having seizures, but less frequently and when he does have them, he hasn’t been as mobile (a good thing.) It’s so nice to not stress over every noise or setback. I’m still always worried, of course, but it no longer dominates my life (I thought I had lots of pics downloaded on my computer, but apparently not…so, an LVP/Giggy gif will need to suffice here.) Truly though, I’m not sure any living creature (except maybe my mom) loves me more than this cat…and quite frankly, I feel the same way about him…every extra day I get with him is a blessing. I love my pets more than LVP loves Giggy (RIP.) We truly don’t deserve animals.

I’ve also been doing my best to get outdoors more (not easy in the city I live in) and working out a few times a week. The consistency is finally clicking and while I have a long way to go to get back into shape I once was in, I can tell good things are happening on that front. Like many Americans, I definitely gained the COVID 15 – 25. I don’t weigh myself and gaining weight is obviously better than battling COVID. If having to go up a size is the worst thing that’s happened to me health-wise during the pandemic, I’m fine. But I’ll be thrilled when I don’t feel like a whale in my clothes anymore. Though, I will say, I’m not nearly as harsh on myself with weight gain this time around (vs. 11 years ago when being this size was the end of the world.) It doesn’t change my worth as a person and really, it’s the least of my problems (at least, I try and tell myself that…fake it til you make it and all that jazz.) The good news is that exercise has always been a game-changer for me and when I’m working out regularly, I’m much more inclined to eat right and treat myself nicely. Everything will fall into place soon enough.

That being said, I need figure out my race schedule for next year. I’m supposed to run the Chicago Marathon in October, but I’ll probably postpone that until 2022 (because I want to finish strong and I’m just now regularly running again.) This means I have 3 half marathons and 2 full marathons on the calendar for next year. Most of these are pandemic postponements, otherwise I’d never do that many in one year. But you know what? Some people buy cars or cheat on their spouses (I’m happy with my almost paid-off Prius and I’m single, so whatevs!) when they are having a mid life crisis. I apparently sign up for races…even though I’m not very athletic to begin with. But you know what? Whatever works, y’all.

What else? I have a new title and new salary, and whoever says money can’t buy happiness is WRONG. WRONG, I TELL YOU. I mean, sure, there’s a limit and a point where more money does not equal more happiness, but I assure you, I’m not there yet. I’m so excited to finish my 6 month emergency fund (more than halfway there, bitches!,) pay shit off, and start saving to buy a house (I have a whopping $1,000 in a house fund…which won’t even get me a cardboard box in CA.) I realize that many adults my age have their financial shit together already, but what can I say? I’m single and work for the government, and I sure as shit don’t come from family money. I’ve never been rolling it the dough. I’ve always been a late bloomer and finances are no exception…but I also have to remember that I’ve been saving for retirement for the last 16 years and at this point I’m much closer to retiring than not. My first possible date is in 11 years!!!!! (But realistically, I’ll probably work in some capacity for the next 15 or so…but time will tell. I refuse to work a day past 58 though, that much I know.)

In other shocking money developments, I’ve also become more of a saver than a spender over the last year. Looming budget cuts and furloughs really kicked my ass into high gear and I got really serious really fast about saving for something aside from retirement. I’ve lived through furloughs before and it’s rough. I’m so thankful that I not only kept my job, but managed to land a better position/title/pay during all of this chaos. I feel like it’s now ingrained in me to save 10% of my check before I do anything else with it. I mean, this is a lesson my grandfather tried to teach me over and over, but I was too busy spending my money on crap and then robbing Peter to pay Paul to listen. I know better now. Seeing my savings go up is better than anything I could buy. Thankfully, the furloughs/cuts never happened, but I sleep so much better at night knowing I could be out of a job for a bit and be okay.

I mean, I’m not sure if I’ll ever pay off my student loans at this point (that’s a different post for a different day) and I still need to take care of a few other things, but things keep trending in an upward direction, and I’m so grateful for that (and, quite frankly, proud of myself.) My retirement should hit 6 figures quite soon here (like, in a matter of months) and while some would say I’m late to the party on hitting 6 figures, I say I’m right where I should be. 10 years ago, I was barely making $35,000 per year while living in Los Angeles and going to grad school full time. So, yeah. I’d say hitting six figures before 40 (mark my words, it will happen) is really freaking good. Also, most of those years were making less than $50,000 (like, way, way less) which makes it all the more impressive to me. Working for the public sector can be a thankless job, but the benefits make it so worth it.

Hopefully I can keep this adulting thing up. Saving money, exercising and eating better. I mean, what’s next?! And on that note, it’s time to get ready for bed and plot my next steps on this adulting journey. Thanks for reading!

I have finally hit my pandemic/quarantine/lockdown/social distancing limit. It only took 51 weeks to fully hit, but man, I feel like I just crashed up against 500,000 pounds of bricks.

I should probably preface all of this by saying that in terms of being affected by the pandemic, I am extraordinarily lucky. I have a full time job and was never in any danger of losing it, I was already working from home half time when my office went fully remote, and I don’t have kids to school/entertain all day, and nobody in my immediate circle tested positive (even after being majorly exposed.) For the people I know that did get it, everyone recovered and is doing well.

All of the above to say, I have no business complaining about my circumstances in any way, shape, or form. I lost my dad when I was 18 and I’ve been to more family funerals in my 39 years than I care to count. I know hundreds of thousands of families are working their way through the most painful losses imaginable. My heart goes out to them, because I know the pain and trauma they will endure for the rest of their lives.

And, so many families are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Again, I haven’t had to deal with that. So, complaining about anything is just pure asshole-y-ness on my end.

As far as what I’m feeling, it’s been building for a while. I tried to push off the feelings at first because (A.) I’m one of the luckiest people to not be directly affected by this beast and (B.) I’m a gold medal winning, world champion of the introvert olympics. I mean, this is what I’ve prepared for my whole life. Every cancelled plan, every time I over-stocked the fridge and pantry, every time I had to leave the house, wishing I could just stay at home in elastic and fleece-based loungewear, all of it was leading to this moment. And I feel like I have failed.

It turns out, that even introverts need some connection. Homebodies need to leave the house every now and again. I’ve learned that even I have my limits and I’m not the hermit I thought I was. I mean, I will never, ever be that go-go-go person who wants to be around people all the time. That’s just not how I’m built. But I also know that I wasn’t meant to be this lonely.

Also, all this time at home made me realize that condo/multi-family housing may not be the path for me. Seriously, as I’m typing this, I can hear my neighbor talking, and talking, and talking…but at least the kids aren’t kicking/pounding the wall currently, so I guess I should be thankful.

When I felt the first inklings of pandemic burnout a few months ago, I assumed it was because I hadn’t been keeping up with my antidepressant (apparently remembering to take pills every morning/afternoon is not my forte.) So I really committed to being consistent and made sure I got it everyday. My doctor even bumped up the dose a bit (but I couldn’t tolerate the physical side effects, so it didn’t really help.) Yet, even with medication, I couldn’t fully shake the ‘ick’ (and no, I don’t want to switch medications…I’ve been on the same one for years and it normally works quite well when I’m on top of taking it.)

It also doesn’t help that for the last month, I’ve spent nearly every day dealing with Baxter’s seizures (I’m sure I’ve mentioned how stressful this is in a prior post, but given that I post twice a year, who knows.) Even though I’m doing everything I can do help him live the most comfortable life possible while he’s here on earth, it’s not quite enough and I find myself consumed with what to do next. I want to make sure I’m making every decision with his well being in mind. I want to be fair to him, but I also don’t want to give up too soon. I feel like he can feel my stress and the more stressed I get, the worse he seems to be.

In the middle of all of this, I gave up on myself. I stopped running. I stopped walking on my crappy treadmill (my neighborhood is currently not a safe area to just jog or walk around the block…seriously. I literally heard two teenagers get shot a block away in January…nothing like seeing your condo on the news,) so just going outside for some fresh air isn’t an option (I have to drive to the nearest state park, 15 minutes away.)

I refuse to say that ‘running is my therapy’ because there is literally no substitute for working with trained mental health professionals, but as far as my journey is concerned, running has always been the thing I’ve turned to when I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and didn’t want to live anymore. It’s the reason I sign up for marathons and half marathons, even though I’m still pretty slow. I need something to get me out the door.

I know we are nearing the end of this nightmare. Vaccinations are happening, and more and more restrictions are being lifted (though, I’m all for keeping necessary restrictions until we are out of the woods. Despite what Texas says, we are still indeed in the thick of it.) I’m looking ahead to summer and beyond that, 2022.

I’m already signed up for two half marathons and a full in 2022. I got out of my house four times last week to hike (my legs are a bit sore from trudging through sand/dirt at an incline…and it hurts SO good!) I even threw a few minutes of running in. I’m not forcing myself to stick to certain times or ‘goal posts’ just jogging when I feel like it and stopping when I want to walk again.

So, yeah. I just need to hold on a little bit longer. Better days are ahead and all that jazz. I mean, just spewing a modified version of what’s been going on in my head was helpful, so there’s that, I guess.

In a totally unrelated note, why is it SO hard to sign off on blog posts. If only I could end it the same way I end emails or letters (‘sincerely’ or, if I’m pissed off and basically hate the recipient, ‘regards’ or ‘best’) I always feel so awkward trying to figure out how to end a post that I don’t let myself publish a quarter of the posts I start.

I mean, is anyone shocked that I haven’t updated this thing in over a year? Does anyone even look at blogs anymore? I mean, obviously nobody is looking at mine. I probably should have just scraped it, but for some reason I just can’t let this little corner of the internet go. So, with two days to spare until this site was set to expire, I forked over the $18 to keep it alive. You’re welcome, universe!

So, here I am. I’m unsure if I should write about running (or my lack thereof, at the moment,) but really, there isn’t much running to write about right now. I was signed up for three different half marathons last year and a full in early spring and not surprisingly, they were all (thankfully, and rightfully) cancelled. All of my registrations got pushed to fall of this year, but even that seems far-fetched. I’m not the kind of person who wants to exercises because it’s the healthy thing to do (but I know I should be that person.) It’s stupid, but I need something bigger to get me to get out the door than basic health (especially since it’s no longer safe to run in my neighborhood, which is a different story for a different time.) I know once I get back into the groove, I’ll settle in quickly, and I’m sure by 2022 races will be back on everyone’s calendar…then I can spend all of 2022 debating if I should write about my half-assed training.

I suppose I could write about food/recipes, but does the world need another food blogger? There are already so many good ones, and I’m not a ‘foodie.’ There is no ‘yolk porn’ happening in my kitchen (WOOF.) I like my food basic, just like everything else in my life (given my love of Uggs, leggings, and pumpkin spice lattes, I’m the poster child for all things basic.) Plus, when I cook, I cook from the heart (yeah, I hate myself a little bit for saying that, thanks for asking!) Meaning, I don’t usually cook from recipes to begin with, much less write down what I throw into a pot or pan. Recipes are more of a ‘loose guide’ to me (though I’m pretty lucky that most of what I cook is pretty dang good, even if it’s not worthy of the ‘gram.) I mean, I literally ordered Annie’s Mac and Cheese in my latest box from Thrive Market (it’s not like I can blame that purchase on kids) I don’t think anyone needs recipe inspiration from me (in all fairness, it was an emergency craving purchase…I don’t eat it all the time.)

I would LOVE to write about my finances, but I’m just not ready to throw that out to the world, in writing. Though, I will say after a lot of years of doing a shitty job managing my non-retirement finances, it feels really good to be getting somewhere with regards to emergency savings and ‘rainy day/long term’ savings. And.. I STARTED A HOUSE FUND. I’m probably several years off from being able to buy a house (I’m a single, government employee currently living in California, so you do the math on that) but it feels so good to have it, even if it’s only sitting in the low four figures (which is, like, the cost of a decently comfortable couch.) But, most importantly, I can cover myself for 3-6 months if paychecks stop coming in (and that’s without touching any kind of retirement…though, in order to make it stretch to 6 months, it would be bare, bare, bare bones living, but that’s okay.) It feels so nice not to have to raid laundry quarters to buy food or gas! And while I hate getting older, I don’t miss the days of raiding my spare change to make ends meet.

Anyway, now I’m just writing in circles, trying to figure it out…hoping that I get inspired by something – ANYTHING at this point. You would think that after staying home 99% of the time for the last year, I’d have some time to write about something. ANYTHING. But the reality is that after spending all day on the computer, the last thing I want to do in my spare time is continue to sit at a computer. I’d rather watch Bravo, thank you very much! (I’m so, SO sad that Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is over for the season…seriously. Easily one of the best shows that has ever aired on Bravo – don’t @ me!)

So, for now, this is my annual ‘I don’t know what to do with my blog or my life’ post…only, I kind of feel like I have some direction on the ‘life’ thing now. I mean, it’s literally the eve of the eve of my 39th birthday, so having some kind of grip on my life, no matter how minor, seems more like a necessity and less like a victory (yeah, I’m still in shock and disbelief that I’m knocking on 40’s door…I mean, did I not just graduate high school a few years ago?)

Ah, the circle of blog life. It’s good to be back. I’ll catch y’all next year when I fork over more money for a domain that gets used once a year to talk about how I just forked over money for said domain even though I don’t know what to write about. Perhaps I should have put that $18 in the house fund ($18 can buy a few lightbulbs, yes?) Oh well, too late now.

Only a few more days left in both this year, and this decade. I’m not usually one who gets all reflective and makes 10,000 resolutions for the upcoming year (much less decade,) but so far 2020 is on track to be a great year and it hasn’t even started yet.

Thank goodness…because so far this year, decade, and hell, millennium, was less than stellar for me. I remember going into 2010 feeling like not that many amazing things were in store for me and save for a few mediocre marathons, I was right. I won’t even get into the hell that 2001-2010 was. I think I spent all of those years in a dark fog, after losing my father in early 2001 at the age of 18

That’s not to say there haven’t been some good times or good things in my adult life, but for the most part, this has been the decade of ‘meh’ for me. It’s okay though – it just wasn’t my time yet (that’s what I’ve been telling myself, anyway.)

Now, I don’t have a lot of planned out for the next decade (I’m so not a planner,) but I do have some events and goals for 2020 that I feel pretty optimistic about.

Let’s start with the bad news – I received my ‘rejection’ email from the Chicago Marathon a few weeks ago. It stung worse than I anticipated.  I took it really hard for someone who tried to get her name out of the lottery a few weeks before the drawing. I should be relieved…and I am. Because it’s really expensive, I’d probably be going alone this time,  and my experience in 2019 was a bit harsh (weather, injury, etc.) and I wavered on whether or not to enter in the first place.

Y’all, I normally have JOMO (joy-of-missing-out) with EVERYTHING in my life, except for running. Skipping Chicago in 2018 (by choice) gutted me and I’ve always regretted not signing up that year. I went to a bachelorette party in Chicago that summer and while it was a blast, it felt so weird being in the city for a reason other than running.

Deep down, I know I probably could use a break before I fly across the country to run again…but I’ve also been known to have a few too many drinks around the holidays and throw my name into something (it’s how I’ve been accepted into three Chicago Marathons in the first place.)

Now that I’ve had a few weeks to reflect on everything, my reaction to the rejection shocked me more than the actual rejection. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal, I’ve been through SO much worse, and the Chicago Marathon will always be there. A 40,000 person race doesn’t just disappear. I’m sure I’ll run it again sooner than later.

While I’m still kind of sad, I’m determined to make 2020 the best year possible as far as my running is concerned. I’m already signed up for a two half marathons and a full marathon in 2020. So far I signed up for the Santa Barbara Wine Country Half, the Rock n’ Roll Las Vegas Half, and the full for Rock n’ Roll San Diego (I may drop to the half – I’m not sure yet. The beauty of this marathon is that you can make the decision on the day of.) I always talk about wanting to see different cities and while San Diego has been my second home since 1982 and I’ve been to Vegas a dozen times, I’ve never done the full in SD and I’ve never run in Vegas (unless you count the 4 miles I did on the treadmill during the 2018 CHP baseball tournament.) 

I’ll probably also sign up for the City of the Sea Half (SLO/Pismo Beach) in October. I’m half tempted to throw my name into NYC, but the odds of getting accepted via lottery are slim to none and, you know, it’s expensive. CIM has also been on my bucket list for a while as well (and it’s only a 6 hour drive from here…so it’s tempting) but I’m trying to stay focused on LA 2021 and I can’t do CIM and LA.

It’s going to be really weird not training for a full fall marathon, but I’m sure I’ll make it through. Maybe it will be a really good time for me to focus on the half and getting my body stronger. I’ve been getting into strength training and I already feel better, even if the changes are more mental than physical at this point. I’m just thrilled that it’s finally sticking. Who knew how therapeutic pushing/pulling some iron (or whatever they make weights out of, haha) could be?

Official training for spring starts ASAP after the new year (yeah, I hate the ‘start in the new year’ crap too, but that’s just how the timing worked for this.) One of my goals in 2020 is to be better about tracking/journaling/goal-setting, so I really do hope to document everything here.

As far as time goes, I’ve always been afraid to get my heart set on a specific time goal (mostly because I’ve never been in the mental/physical space to accomplish it) but I really, REALLY want to hit a sub-2:15 time in the half. I doubt it will happen by May (especially since SB Wine is super hilly,) but I think I can do it by November. I mean, PR-ing at this point would make me so happy (my current half PR is 2:38…and that’s walking the final four miles after a calf strain…I believe I accomplished that in 2014 or 2015…I can’t remember.) It’s time for a PR/PB.

I guess that’s it for the running stuff. I obviously have other goals for 2020 as well, but I’m afraid to talk about them here. I think my financial situation will be better, but a lot of that depends on work and until things are ‘signed on the dotted line,’ so to speak, I’m not saying anything more, for fear it might not happen.

I’ve never been the happiest, most optimistic person in the room, but something about this year just feels really different. I finally feel like good things are coming my way and really, truly believe that the best is yet to come. It may or may not come in 2020, but there’s no way my best years are behind me. I’m ready to experience health and happiness.

 

 

 

 

Holy cow, how has it been a month since the Chicago Marathon?! It really feels like it last week, but that’s also because October was a doozy.

The good news is that I

1. finished
2. finished within the time limit
3. Set a PR for the marathon distance

The ‘meh’ news is that I am still much slower than I’d like to be and I’ve been hard on myself about it. It was rough to watch my predicted time keep getting higher and higher as the race went on (hard for it not to when I made, I kid you not, six bathroom stops.)

Granted, it was a rough day, as this California girl was not used to the ‘cold’ weather and my joints were frozen before the race even started. I was also really stupid and did way too much physical activity the weekend before. I agreed to help with catering for a large wedding 7 days before and ended up at the doctor’s office the next day, begging for ibuprofen. Turns out, moving furniture and lots of heavy objects the week before a marathon is a bad idea. Who knew?! It also turns out that while ibuprofen is magic for sore muscles, it does a number on my stomach.

I swore up and down at mile 4 (aka, bathroom stop #1 of the day) that I was never working out again. No running, no weight lifting, no swimming, no hiking. No working out beyond a gentle walk. I had it in my head that this was a ‘never again’ event. Every time I thought about running since the marathon, I had a negative reaction. Normally I can’t wait to get back to it? This time, the thought of even running for a mile was more than I could handle.

Honestly? It’s really only been the last week that I’ve felt ready to start running again. And I’m fine with taking it slow.

I’m not sure what the next race will be. I so badly want to run the LA Marathon, but it’s in 17.5 weeks and while that’s plenty of time to train, I’m just not sure my body is ready for another training cycle so soon. Especially with my mental recovery this time around. Not to mention, I would have to get serious about training in the winter. I mean, I live in Southern California and we don’t really get winter here, but like most people, I’m not really motivated when it’s dark all the time and ‘California cold.’

I’m 99% certain I will run the Santa Barbara Wine Country Half Marathon in May, and I will run the San Diego Rock n’ Roll (half or full, TBD) in June. I also, against my better judgement, threw my name in the Chicago Marathon lottery. I LOVE the Chicago Marathon and have no doubt I’ll run it again soon…but it’s expensive and traveling so far when you have so much on the line is stressful. If I had to drop out of a local marathon, NBD. But across the country? That’s a whole other deal. Plus, I’ve been to Chicago at least once a year for the last 4 years…there are so many other places I want to see and run in. I guess the lottery will ultimately decide for me next month.

Once I have an answer to that, I can plan the rest of my 2020 and 2021 races.

Until then, I’ll be slowly making my way back to the sport I love so much. I’m 97% sure I won’t be signing up for LA this year (but I’ve been known to be stupid and impulsive when it comes to races, so who knows.) But if I decide to play it smart, I’ll spend most of the next few months working on shorter runs and lifting the dreaded weights. And, you know, making my 34645343rd attempt at cleaning up my diet.

 

**I published this post last Monday – no idea why it never actually published on the website**

LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS TO GO – HOW DID I GET HERE??!!!

I cannot even comprehend just how quickly this marathon is approaching. I leave for Chicago in just over three weeks and the marathon is now less than four weeks away. Truthfully, I’m panicking just a tad. Okay, more than a tad. I’m panicking a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But tickets are paid for, the hotel room is reserved and there’s no backing out now.

Obviously, I’ve been posting about my training the same amount I always do (which is to say, not a lot.) Normally when I’m silent it’s because life is hectic (always) and/or because my training is going horribly wrong. While my training this time around has been far from perfect, I’m probably in the best shape I’ve ever been in and while I’ve had some training struggles, this is by far the most prepared I’ve ever felt going into a marathon. I have one more long run (16-20 miles) and one more medium-long run (10-14) before taper time.

I’m actually really proud of myself with regard to my short weekday runs. Since June, I’ve only missed a very small handful of short runs. This right here? Is a HUGE victory. In past cycles, I could find a lot of reasons to skip my short runs – it’s windy/hot, I’m tired, I hurt somewhere, it’s shark week (I seriously want to punch the people who are all ‘exercise makes it better.’ um…not for all of us, it doesn’t, I can barely stand up straight if I’m not on birth control. Exercise legit makes it 50 times worse and I’ll end up in bed for 2 full days.) I had a rough day at work, and this list could go on.

This time around, the few short runs I’ve missed have mostly been due to the temporary veneer situation I had earlier this summer (and I still managed to get a lot of short runs in over the course of those 3.5 weeks) and one other time because it was hot and I didn’t eat or hydrate properly. I ran 8 miles the day before, so I didn’t feel too bad about skipping that one.

While I’ve been great with the short runs, my long runs and strength training routine could use a little work. I’m thankful that I started the training cycle with two spring half marathons under my belt, but aside from that, I’ve only had a few truly long runs. There’s a ton of 8-12 mile runs, but not a lot above that (gulp.) 

I attempted to do 17 miles this past Saturday, but only made it through 11 miles before calling it quits (it was pushing 90 degrees and my stomach was not having it. I’m all for going out of your comfort zone, until that means losing a significant amount of dignity as well.) Miles 1-9 were awesome – it was only the last few miles that felt like a death march. I had every intention of making up the rest of the mileage on Sunday, but I still felt weak and ‘meh’ (but found it in me to rally and go wine tasting in the afternoon #shame.)

I’m praying this week’s long run goes smoothly and restores my confidence in this area (my long runs have really been two steps forward, one and a half steps back.) I had a great 14 miler the week before that gave me some of the confidence I’ve been lacking…unfortunately, I couldn’t keep it going. I’m kicking myself a bit now that we are only a few weeks out, but really, I’ve had so many great mid-distance runs that I typically lack, so it’s still a win in my book.

I’m thinking about leaving work early this Friday to fit my last really long run in. We shall see. No matter what, I plan on getting a lot of miles in this weekend one way or another. I think I’m going to see how I feel as the week progresses.

I also mentioned that my strength training has been ‘off’ as well. I might be averaging one session per week, if that. And, it’s more me picking up my kettlebell and swinging it around for a bit than anything else, but hey – I’ll take it…for now. But after I get back from this trip? I really need to fully commit to 2-3 times per week, especially if I want to improve (which, I do.) 

One other thing – I’ve mentioned that I was not happy with my weight this year (I think?) I finally threw my hands up in the air about two months ago and never looked back. I’ve stopped weighing myself. The last time I stopped weighing myself, I lost 12 pounds (this was summer of 2011, when I trained for the NYC Marathon.) I’m not sure how much, if any weight I’ve actually lost, but I’ve been measuring myself every few weeks and I’m a few inches down, so I’m guessing I haven’t gained any weight. My pants fit normally most of the time, but are occasionally tight (they were almost always tight when I started training, so win?)

I’m not 100% happy with how my body looks or feels at the moment, but this is probably the best I’ve felt in years and I’m growing to love how I am right now, just as I am. My blood work and other stats (HR, BP, etc.) are all great. I might be right at or just over the healthy BMI range, but honestly? I don’t feel like I am. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I guess at the age of 37, I’ve learned that my weight should not dictate how I feel about myself or my accomplishments. 10 fewer pounds is not going to make or break my life.

I’m still working on this – I’m certainly not all the way to full body acceptance, but it’s kind of hard to care about the number on the scale after I conquer a 14 mile run in 88 degree heat, ya know?

I’m 99% sure I’ll be running another full marathon between now and the end of 2020, so I have time to keep improve and build upon what I started for Chicago. Top contenders are the LA Marathon, San Diego, or CIM. LA seems mighty soon after Chicago (it’s in March) and CIM feels so far away (December.) I also want to run NYC again, but not sure if I can absorb the cost next year (I’m really working to build savings and pay off my car and a few other lingering things) not to mention the competitive NYC lottery system. I guess I’ll think about it more after Chicago.

I know I should post pictures, but if I wait to do that, I’ll never hit ‘publish.’ So, here’s another plain, boring blog post…and a few more weeks of training.

 

Y’all, it’s Slump City over here and I’m the one who’s slumping in a chair (bonus points to you if you caught the quasi-Friends reference to Chandler in sitting in a chair.) I got some news about 2 weeks ago that rocked my world, and once again, running got put on the back burner.

I’m not going share much here since it’s not my story, but when a loved one’s health is potentially in jeopardy and that loved one is your only living parent, it’s difficult to process and function. I know most of us will go through this at one point or another, but it just hits extra hard since I lost my dad as a teenager. Thankfully, everything is okay for now and we will follow up in six months.

On top of that, Baxter also had a bit of a rough patch the past few weeks. We adjusted his medications last week and he’s responding well. I think I’ve said it here before, but my vet is military and he doesn’t pull any punches. He’s firm and strict (and also has a heart for animals.) I have no doubt he will tell us when it’s time and since Baxter is doing well outside of the episodes, we will stick with our current protocol of keeping him as comfortable as possible as long as is reasonable. In other words, I’m not looking for additional opinions on the matter.

Oh! And because those two things weren’t enough, I spent last weekend with a stye in my eye. Cool. It was more annoying than anything else, especially since I couldn’t wear contacts. I don’t know about you, but I CANNOT run in my glasses or prescription sunglasses, and my vision is too terrible to not wear anything. So, there went another long run (I did, however, still get two workouts in over the weekend.)

So, I think you know where this is going. Between the veneers/not eating, feeling unsafe running in my neighborhood, the health scare, and an epileptic cat, my running has suffered. I’m still getting all of my of shorter (3-5 mile) runs in regularly, but my long runs are seriously lacking. I have to get it together, like, yesterday, because the marathon is 10.5 weeks away.

If the outcome of my mom’s health scare had been negative, we wouldn’t be going on this trip at all and I would postpone until next year. Some people consider running to be their therapy, but me? I struggle to get out of bed, much less run or do exercise of any kind when I’m really struggling with my mood. I mean, logically I know I’ll feel so much better, but mentally? I just can’t. Not to mention, I don’t eat when I’m stressed, and not eating means rough runs (and no, no real weight loss either.)

While I’m ‘behind’ on long runs, I’m thankful for the two spring half marathons and the mileage I put in then, so I’m not attempting to go from zero to one hundred in a matter of weeks. But, it is ‘do-or-die’ time and I don’t want to die. The next few weeks will be critical in terms of getting it together, but I think I’ve still got this.

Realistically, I only have about eight weeks left to get long runs in (because there is a two week ‘taper’ at the end.) If I can pull off 10 miles this weekend, I think I’ll still be in good enough shape. I mean, if ever I was going to fall off the training wagon, I’d rather it be towards the beginning. It’s much easier to miss the 6-10 mile runs vs. the all important 15-20 mile runs.

Also, I’m not trying to BQ or anything like that (I’m so far off, it’s not even funny.) I’ve had a few comments over the years along the lines of ‘why bother?’ since I’m not exactly the fastest runner on the planet. I guess the answer deserves a post of its own, but mostly it’s because I want to do it for myself, and make myself proud. I can still do that, even if I stumbled a bit in June and July.

I should also note that I’ve taken some steps to rectify the situation. I caved and joined a gym in my area so that I would have a safe place to run on days I work from home or can’t make it to my favorite running trail. I hate running on a treadmill, but it has its place in training and it’s a great fallback when I can’t get outside. It’s really hard to make excuses when there’s a 24 hour gym right down the street, which is exactly why I joined.

I ended up joining Planet Fitness because the price was right and I could not say ‘no’ to the hydro-massage chairs. I did some research after I signed up (Ha! Probably would have been better before) and had a brief moment of panic, as it seems  a lot of people are not satisfied with PF. However, most of the complaints were from people either looking to perform Olympic lifting moves (uh, I can barely make use of the 15-20 pound weights in my garage, so I won’t be doing any clean and jerks with a 300 pound barbell anytime soon) or who didn’t understand the fees and cancellation policies. The employee who signed me up was crystal-clear about the fees, down to the exact date they would be charged and the cancellation policy was also explained. It’s also in the written contract, so I’m guessing most of these people didn’t bother to actually read what they were signing.

I’ve been six times in the last two weeks and it’s always been pleasant (though, going between 4:00 pm – 8:30 pm is not nearly as pleasant.) It’s never been crowded (in all fairness, don’t go during peak hours) and in fact is usually nearly empty. The gym also appears to be hyper-clean (for a gym) and I have yet to see weird or bad behavior from patrons or employees. I’ll report back if there’s any bad-news-bears business going down, but so far I’m happy and I’m looking forward to my first personal training appointment tonight.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m down, but I’m not out yet and I still have 11 weeks to right this ship and that’s the plan I have right now. Congratulations if you got through this, and sorry about the lack of pictures. Maybe next time? HA!