Yoga Pants Life

Writing that last post was so cathartic that here I am again.

In my earlier post, I talked some about anxiety and how that manifested in my body this year, and it got me thinking…

I’ve spent the last 25 years doing my best to protect myself. To the point where I put up walls where there didn’t need to be any. I let anticipatory grief consume me to the point of shingles (because having general depression and anxiety wasn’t enough). I grieved a connection that never fully blossomed, I’ve grieved over my animals that are still here on earth with me, I’ve even grieved over an imagined tragedy/illness that would hit my family or friends. I grieved dealing with shingles and a hysterectomy at the same time. You name it, I’ve probably pre-grieved it.

Now, I’m no therapist, but I can pretty much guess that 95% of this has to do with losing my dad in a sudden way at the age of 18 and experiencing a lot of loss as a child (your average middle schooler probably isn’t dealing with an ailing relative passing in your home with hospice nurses). I think had I not experienced those things, I’d probably be a very different person right now (but isn’t that the truth with anything?…butterfly effect and all that).

This year has been chalk-full of unpleasant news…some of which I had already anticipated and tried to prepare for. And you know what? It didn’t help. Not one bit. (I wish I didn’t have to be so cryptic, but some of what I’m dealing with right now isn’t my story to tell and very few people know at this point).

But I have to wonder how much time I’ve wasted stewing in anticipatory grief, while building up walls to try and prevent the anticipatory grief from turning into actual grief and guess what? It happened anyway. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.

But…

This too shall pass.

Everything in life is temporary. EVERYTHING. EV. ER. Y. THING. Every good thing, every bad thing. All temporary. And this will be the cycle until I’m no longer here on earth. It’s just how life goes. No amount of imaginary walls or pre-grieving will alleviate the pain of the actual event and it’s all going to happen anyway.

I don’t think I have it in me to be all ‘unicorns, glitter, and rainbows!!!!’ over everything in life. That’s laughable. But maybe it’s time to let my mind and body rest and repair. And no matter what, I’ll get through this, one day at time. Because that’s the only option we have in life.