Yoga Pants Life

So, this is my 89048597th attempt at regular blogging. It’s like I feel the need to write and get my thoughts out, but I also don’t want people to actually read my honest thoughts. So instead, I’ve just been sitting here stewing in anxiety for the last year and posting the occasional Instagram story.

I’m sure a lot of my fears have to do with a bad Live Journal experience in college, coupled with blogging being a big deal in my 20s and early 30s. I don’t have the tools, money, or bandwidth to organize and maintain a blog, nor do I necessarily want to air my laundry (dirty or clean) to the world. Since I couldn’t compete with what was already out there, I just didn’t do it at all.

But then it occurred to me that I can just write and not worry about the other stuff. Just write. Just get it out. (imagine that!)

Heck, I could do it in a Google doc and never post it, but I already have this site and since nobody really knows about it or reads it, if I ever do decide to ‘do more’ with it, it’s there.

2025 has been a year, y’all. In the last 9 months I’ve had a hysterectomy, shingles (super-fun to manage during surgery recovery), both cats have started having seizures (thankfully, Mr. Tucker only has focal seizures, likely a result of him being a senior now), and I’m about to step into a caretaking role for a family member with cancer. All of this while living in the most mind-numbingly dumb timeline of America (if you voted for this shit, I have a bone to pick with you).

Luckily, the hysterectomy was great and I’m so glad I went through with it. I’m still healing mentally, emotionally, and physically, but I feel so much better without a diseased uterus in my body (I mean, who wouldn’t)? And now I have the added bonus of being completely useless to MAGAts. HA!

I’m still managing nerve pain/damage from shingles, and I’m terrified I’ll get it again. In hindsight, my nervous system was a complete wreck for most of 2024 and 2025. Even now with EVERYTHING going on both in my life and the world in general, I’m still probably calmer than I was 6 months ago, and that’s a good thing. I’m doing my best to never have to deal with it again…and maybe that’s part of why I feel the need to write again. So that I can just get it out on paper (err, screen) and not hold it in my body.

The 6 months also taught me to focus on what really matters to me and do what I WANT to do, not what I think I SHOULD be doing. Of course, this has some limitations, as I need to work full time to pay bills and have health insurance. I also have family responsibilities I can’t just walk away from (and yes, you can be child-free and single and still have family obligations). I can’t just up and leave for a month to go to Europe and be a pretend influencer.

It also taught me to never settle for breadcrumbs, or shrink myself for a romantic relationship, but that’s a blogpost for another day, haha. I don’t know what the future holds in that particular arena, but I know this – there is SO much peace in being single. Truly single. No romantic entanglements at all. I’m finally starting to get back to a place of peace and it feels so good. I’m not all the way there yet, but I think I will be soon.

And on that note, I doubt ‘the person’ will ever come across this, but I’m still going to tread carefully here. Heck, I’m not even sure the door is fully shut on both ends right now, even though I want it to be (there’s a pull I can’t describe. Maybe I’m naïve, but it almost feels more like a timing issue and less of a lack-of-love/compatibility issue…it also takes two and honestly, I can see where my flaws and insecurities are too…I feel like I need to work on that). ANYWAY, should anything happen with ‘the person’ in the future, it will be after a lot of healing from both of us. And really, whether it’s him or someone else, it still applies.

Because at the end of the day? No man is worth getting shingles over. Did ‘the person’ cause my shingles? NO. NO. NO. It was just one piece of the puzzle of my anxieties. And it turns out, romantic relationships trigger my anxiety big-time…it doesn’t really matter who the other person is. I think I’ve had so many walls up for so long that I forgot how hard it is to open up and put yourself out there and I wasn’t prepared.

And when you’re an anxious person, you’re always scanning for things that could go wrong and you’re hyper-vigilant about any potential issues. Whether it’s stressing over work, bills, health, family, romance…the vigilance never goes away.

And to ‘the person’ on the off chance that you randomly come across this…Yes, I miss you. Like, a lot. There are so many times I want to tell you about a silly thing I did or came across. Yes, sometimes I’m sad about how this went down and I’m really sad things never quite got off the ground…and that’s what makes ‘situationships’ (UGH…I can’t believe I’m still dealing with this crap in my 40s) so hard.

You see the POTENTIAL of what it could be. You see all the green flags and good things about the other person and when that illusion shatters, it’s really hard to pick up the pieces.

But I also understand and life is hard and we’ve both had a lot thrown our way in life. If we come back together, it will be because we’ve both healed and can give each other the best versions of ourselves. And if we don’t? Then it wasn’t meant to be and the universe has a reason why (I believe there’s always a reason that we can’t see at the time).

Also, to be clear, I’m pretty happy as a single person and have been for a long time. It’s like on some level I always knew I’d be a late-bloomer and while I guess I imagined I would get married and have a family by now, I’ve never felt a clock ticking or like I must get married and have children in order to have a good life. I’d rather meet ‘my person’ at 50 and live out the rest of our lives together in bliss than rush at a younger age for the sake of meeting societal expectations. I’m also going to be just fine if it never happens.

I’ve always been independent and strong. I’ve always picked myself at the end of the day and never looked back. I will happily live the rest of my life single if that’s what’s meant to be. Single does not mean lonely or alone. I am not alone.