First of all, is unstuck even a word?

I mean, I’m on a computer (obviously) so it’s not like I can’t google it, but I just don’t care enough to do so.

Anyway…

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago. At least, as long as you don’t count my annoying and unfunny ‘my only resolution is to not make a stupid resolution’ resolutions.

Anyway, last year I decided that I didn’t want to make a traditional resolution, but for some reason I felt compelled to choose a word – a word that would sort of guide my year and hopefully culminate in a grand change at the end. I settled on ‘home’ as I was going through a bout of depression and feeling really stuck last January. I’ll spare the details as to why, but it was a perfect storm of not taking meds, pet issues, my living situation (complete with terrible, noisy neighbors), and a lot of other things. Even though I lived in my current house longer than any other house in my life, I didn’t feel at home. So that was that – my word for 2023 was ‘HOME’ and dang it, I was determined to find one.

I eagerly began stalking Zillow and narrowing down cities I’d want to live in. After a lot of deliberation, I landed on Phoenix. It was a reasonable driving distance to Southern California and an even shorter flight. The cost of living, while not cheap, was much less than Southern California and it seemed like I could live a relatively comfortable life there. Yes, it’s a ‘red’ or ‘purple’ state, and I know AZ runs a tight ship so to speak, but since it’s on a purple trajectory, it felt close enough (and for what it’s worth, CA isn’t the liberal haven that people think it is…yes, it’s very blue, but it was red not so long ago and once you get about 30 miles inland, well, it’s not that blue). I also really wanted to stay on the West Coast. I LOVE visiting the east coast and my favorite cities are in the Midwest and East Coast, but it just never felt like home.

I love the desert and while I recognize that visiting the desert for a week or two out of the year is very different than actually living there, if you think about it, weather is far from ideal anywhere…it’s just a matter of what you’re willing to put up with. I can absolutely tolerate heat, especially if I have access to a pool and AC. Furthermore, my plan no matter where I end up is to rent first to make sure I like the area and all that goes with it. I wouldn’t hesitate to buy in Southern California or the Sacramento area because I’ve already lived there and know how I feel about it. Unfortunately, neither area is in my price range, so, I won’t be buying a home somewhere, sight unseen.

Anyway, that settled it, HOME was the theme of 2023 for me…or so I thought, as I made the mistake of telling people what my plans were, and suffice it to say, nearly everyone shat all over that option. Now, that will never necessarily stop me from doing something or living somewhere, but what felt like a way to ‘unstick’ myself became a black cloud hanging over me and I just lost my drive to keep looking…and I think deep down, I was (and still am) frustrated that my home state, my state that I love so deeply, is out of reach for me on my own. I kind of feel like ‘why should I have to move? I’ve lived here my entire life!’…but facts don’t care about feelings and all that jazz.

The year also flew by much more quickly than I thought and by the time summer rolled around, I knew that I was likely staying put at least another year or two. Though, I took a trip in October that made me reconsider the East Coast as a potential future landing spot.

So, on to 2024 – it’s almost mid-February and I still don’t have a word, resolution, or theme for the year. And you know what? That’s ok. Various factors that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here have me staying put where I am for at least another year or two, but I’m also thinking a lot about what I want the rest of my 40s to look like.

Does that mean a career switch, or sticking where I am and hoping that I’ll break into the area of my workplace that I really want to be in? Does it mean moving out of California, or staying put until I feel more stable? (I stopped living paycheck to paycheck a few years ago and while I’m not rolling around in a pool full of money a la Scrooge McDuck, I’m not doing terrible either). Does it mean going balls-to-the wall with savings so I can retire on the early side of things (which would also require staying put). Does it mean taking more risks? I just don’t know.

I would like to figure it out at some point this year though, whatever that looks like.

And I’d like to share about it here. I miss writing and I’ve always been so afraid of people finding this that I feel restrained…like I can’t write fully about how I think or feel…and a lot of my story isn’t just about me. There are others involved too and sometimes it’s wonderful and other times it’s a source of sadness for me. I never want my writing to hurt someone else (or make me look like a petty, evil person, ha!) But I just forked over the cash for another year of this domain name and I’m dying for a creative outlet, so here we are.

Let the journey of becoming unstuck begin…whatever that means and whatever it may bring.

**and since I’m just trying to get back into writing as a creative outlet, this blog will likely look boring for a while…but posting pictures feels far too overwhelming at the moment and I don’t want that to stop me before I really get started.