Yoga Pants Life

Well, hello there! It’s time for the biannual life update that possibly one person will read. Lots of things have happened in the last 8? 12? Months since I last updated this little corner of the internet.

I turned 40 in February – something I’ve been dreading since I was, well, 30. But 40 is the new 25, right? Surprisingly, I don’t hate being 40. So far, it’s much better than my 30s. I mean, I know it’s only been a couple of months and there’s still plenty of the decade left for shit to hit the fan, but this one just feels different.

The biggest piece of news is that I had surgery three days before my 40th birthday. Yeah, that was a FUN birthday, let me tell you. I went from planning a half-marathon running vacation over my birthday, to barely being able to get out of bed for my birthday. The end result has been 100% worth it though. I’ve spent most of the last five years feeling like absolute garbage, so it’s bonkers to finally feel good. It’s still hard to believe sometimes.

I had my left ovary and my appendix removed, along with my fallopian tubes. I also had a uterine ablation while I was already under. The first few days of recovery were brutal – I couldn’t keep any food or liquid down for 36 hours (I managed a few very, very small sips of liquid, but other than that, it was puke city. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to vomit with stomach incisions? Because I do!) Things became a lot more manageable after the 48 hour mark and while that first week was painful, I would take it any day of the week over what I’ve been feeling for the past few years.

It got to a point where I was in pain from a brisk walk (I felt like there was a softball in my pelvis) and I was nauseous all the time. I also got full super quickly. Most any small or regular sized meal felt like Thanksgiving dinner. And the bleeding. Oh the bleeding. And bloating. I took lots of pre-surgery pics of the bloating because it was that bad. I seriously looked 8 months pregnant. And all of this was on birth control pills. Sadly, the BC pills were a huge step up from what I experienced when not on them. When not taking BC, I was out of commission for 2+ weeks a month and standing up straight between days 8-14 of my cycle was impossible without extreme pain. I almost went to the ER twice for pain (in hindsight, probably a cyst bursting.)

BC took away some of the worst symptoms, but things felt heavy a few weeks into a new pack (I don’t know how else to describe it. It felt like I had a mini-kettle bell in my pelvis.) Both pelvic ultrasounds I had prior to surgery confirmed heavy bleeding even while on BC (I can only imagine what those ultrasounds would have looked like without.)

Everything took a backseat. I gave up working out. I was too afraid of committing to events/plans, for fear I wouldn’t be able to function. I was just done.

I was initially hesitant about the ablation since it meant that I would not be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. However, at the age of 39 it was becoming more and more clear that getting pregnant was unlikely to happen and deep down, I had already made my peace with not having children. After many heartfelt talks with close friends and family, I came to the realization that if I really, really wanted to be pregnant, I probably would have done something about it sooner. Perhaps I would have actively sought out a partner. Perhaps I would have froze my eggs or attempted IVF or IUI on my own. Who knows?

Anyway, it hit me while I was in the shower one night – why on earth would I continue to put myself through the pain and discomfort every month on the off chance that I might meet someone and get pregnant in the next year or two? Would I even be able to get pregnant at 40 with all of my health issues? Probably not. So, I went through with the ablation while I was already under from everything else.

I’m nearly 10 weeks out and I’m 99% happy with my decision. I think there will always be a small part of me that will struggle with the finality of all of it. On the flip side, every month that I don’t have to deal with the pain and discomfort makes it all worth it. I don’t know what life may have in store for me. I’m open to adopting or fostering in the future. There are still options for me if I chose to parent in the future.

In the meantime, I’m focused on getting back to running and building my financial future – two very different goals, obviously. But two very important goals nonetheless. Maybe I’ll elaborate on both of those in my next biannual update.