Yoga Pants Life

Y’all, I’m having a Monday.

It’s like, the Monday of all Mondays that ever Monday’d.

Most of it is first-world stuff. Most of it will be forgotten or resolved in a week (or two.) 

But for now, I’m sitting at my computer with tears spilling out, trying (unsuccessfully) to console myself.

I can’t talk about some of it because it’s work/career related and for the most part, that shiz does not belong on the interwebs. I keep reminding myself to stay the course. Things aren’t good right now, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m also constantly stressed about finances, even though I have an emergency fund and my retirement accounts are on target (it probably doesn’t help that I’m about to drop $2,000 on dental work.) Even though I’m in a much better position than I was years ago, I’m no where near where I want to be.

Everything just feels chaotic and unresolved right now.

One of my favorite podcasts, Girls Gone WOD, released an episode last week and one of them said something that really hit home with me – ‘anxiety is not an insurance policy’ – to be fair, they credited someone else (and it’s totally escaping me right now) with this. Basically, you cannot worry your way to healing and acceptance. Worrying about the thing is never going to prepare you for actually having to go through the thing.

As someone who’s dealt with more than my fair share of loss, I KNOW this is true. And yet, I spend so much time worrying about the time I have left with my loved ones, including my furry loved ones. I know I’m missing out on the joyous occasions/moments because I can’t see past the inevitable doom.

A lot of this has to do with Baxter. His seizures have been pretty steady and consistently 2-3 weeks apart. They are violent, but short (usually 30 seconds – 2 minutes) and he comes out of it quickly. However, we’ve had a bad two weeks in the YPL household and Baxter’s seizures are becoming super-frequent. He’s had four in the last ten days. He’s totally ‘normal’ outside of the episodes and does not appear to be suffering outside of the events. I don’t know what do do anymore. I’m trying to keep him as comfortable and healthy as possible for as long as it is reasonable to do so…I don’t want him to suffer because I can’t let go, but I also don’t want to put him down unnecessarily.

Logically, I know both Baxter and his vet will let me know when it’s time for him to chase stuffed mice in the afterlife. But until then, I need to figure out a way to not be a wreck all the time. I need to figure out how to not jump at every noise and sound.

And, it’s not just the cat. Unfortunately, the same line of thinking applies to family members too. I don’t think anyone in my family reads this blog (much less anyone else, haha) but I’m not about to post my doom and gloom with regard to my human loved ones on the interwebs.

This has affected me so much recently. I just want to withdraw from the world and curl up in bed until the clouds lift. I don’t want to go out and be social, much less run or do anything else (even though I know it would help me in the long run.)

Unfortunately, that’s not an option at the moment. All I can do is try to remember to take my medication, talk to my doctor, and do my best to keep going. Because there are stars amidst the darkness too.

Goodness. This was a heavy post.

But you know what? I feel a bit better now. And I sure as heck don’t care that my doctor was an hour late to my appointment today and I didn’t have time to get gas or grocery shop on my way back to work (I would have been doing it on my lunch break, not work time, just FYI.) I will also deal with a small side-hustle/job payment issue later today or tomorrow. It’s really no big deal in the grand scheme of things.  I’ll get through the work stuff too.

gratuitous cat pic