Yoga Pants Life

What is it about December? This should be the happiest, most magical month of the year, but I always find it to be depressing. There’s the excitement of the holidays, followed by a period of self-reflection that always leaves me feeling down. Usually the depressing part finds its way in during that week between Christmas and New Year’s, when all the gifts are unwrapped and you’re left to ponder what you want to accomplish the next year, while also taking stock of everything you didn’t actually achieve this year.

This year’s reflection period started early and instead of leaving me feeling mildly inadequate, but motivated to change, it left me in a heap of tears Sunday night.

I usually have a few good things to say about my year – while I have yet to get married, buy a house or birth a human, I usually have at least a few accomplishments to look back on. Maybe I finished a marathon, or balanced working two jobs. Maybe I moved or took on a new challenge. Maybe I finally got my non-retirement savings account to a solid (adult) place, instead of in a change jar.

But this year? Nothing, save for a really crappy half marathon back in June. I have no new career milestones or accomplishments, I didn’t improve my running, I’m still single with no prospects. My savings account is about to reach a new low (in the past few years) and the thought of only being able to cover a month of bare-bones expenses is terrifying to me (though, it sure beats my former plan of living off my change jar and/or credit cards.)

I’m starting to feel restless again with regards to my career and living situation, but it’s not the good kind of restless that pushes me to change. It’s the horrifying kind that makes me want to curl up in fetal position and not move. Like, what on EARTH have I been doing for the last 36.5 years?! I should have had my shit together a long time ago, friends.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat outside, perched on ledge in a too-tight bridesmaids dress reconnecting with an old friend. I had just witnessed the beautiful wedding of two of my friends (and coworkers.) One minute, I was feeling an immense amount of love and happiness and the next I was feeling lost, inadequate, and stuffed into my dress like sausage in a casing. A lovely, gray chiffon casing (I should probably clarify that reconnecting was a great thing and nobody made me feel this way but myself, but still. All the bad feels were there.) 

Here I was in a room full of people who found love, had children, bought homes, accomplished major career milestones and was all ‘I have cats!! And please don’t look too closely at the bumps in the back of my dress…and for the love of God, please don’t try to set me up with anyone’ Hell, I’m not even sure I want a child (leaning towards NO on that one) and as far as a house goes, I’m not sure I plan on living where I do forever. But, like, if I were to die today (not planning on it, BTW) the few people at my funeral would be all ‘she did…nothing…she accomplished….nothing…oh wait! She’s watched every episode of Vanderpump Rules at least a dozen times!!’ and while I freely admit I’m lazy, the thought of having accomplished nothing in my life is too much to bear (but if someone can add the Vanderpump Rules accomplishment to my headstone, I’d really appreciate it.)

I also realized before I left for the wedding last Friday that I have not been practicing self-care, like, at all. I stopped being disciplined with my finances and health. My savings account is several thousand less than it was in February (it doesn’t help that December is working out to be a very tight month) and I found the 10 pounds I lost earlier this year. I ran my worst half marathon yet. I generally drink once a week/a couple times a month, but I somehow found wine sneaking in a few times a week. I look and feel like absolute crap right now.

Where did I go wrong?

I’m don’t fully have the answer to that question right now, but I know this: I am the only one that can change my circumstances, and I’m slowly working on it.

After my breakdown, I did what any reasonable person would do –  I took control. I went to the gym on Monday and had plans to go for the rest of the week, before another cold/sinus infection promptly knocked me on my ass Monday night. Instead of running during my lunch break today, I mapped out my budget for 2019 (yikes!) I need to come up with an additional 3500 if I want to travel and save money, but I’m hoping I get a tax refund and pick up a few side jobs and/or OT (rarely offered at my government job, but I take advantage whenever I can.) I feel a bit better already and while the initial budget is a bit, uh, concerning, I think I can manage coming up with a couple hundred extra a month.

I know my circumstances are not going to change overnight, but taking small steps forward should help. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon and can devote more time to what’s next, because I know there has to be more to life than this. I also know that I’m so lucky to be in the position I’m in. I have a roof over my head and can pay my bills. I’m not one of the 1,000s of Californians affected by the wildfires.

I know I’ll get to where I need to be one day. I just wish that day was today. So much emo in one blog post. I can’t tell if this is cathartic or pathetic…both?