Yoga Pants Life

Through all the years I’ve been running, I’ve tried to package myself fit into the neat and tidy ‘runners box’ when it comes to training for events. You know, the one that has you get up at the crack of dawn to fit long runs in. The one that says you should wear your Garmin watch for every run to track miles, pacing, etc. The one that says you should eat a bagel with peanut butter before a run and down GU gel during (my stomach doesn’t appreciate either of these before or during a run.)  The thing is, no matter how hard I tried, I never managed to fit into the box. I’ve tried re-folding myself a hundred times to no avail. I realized this morning that I don’t need to fit myself into that box and I’m tossing the box on the curb for trash pickup! (Sorry for the silly metaphors.)

Doing the ‘typical’ things that distance runners are supposed to do is making me crazy and quite frankly, paralyzing my training and I’m done with that nonsense. Maybe I don’t have the right brand of mental toughness, but every time I look at my Garmin during a run, I get disappointed in myself because I’m not running as fast as I should be. I’m too slow and not a real runner and how have I only gone 4 miles? Because it feels like 7.  I end up getting so down on myself that I just give up all together and stop short of hitting the mileage I need to hit.

As for sleep, I’m a horrible sleeper and I always have been. I remember as a kid, being awake in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep and I’ve NEVER, EVER been a morning person. EVER. So trying to get up early to run an ungodly amount of miles wasn’t working for me either. My stomach was always off, I was trying to force myself to eat when I wasn’t hungry and I was so exhausted from the week that I was never well-rested and recovered, which led to most runs being slow and painful.  Just like with the Garmin, I would get frustrated at myself and basically give up. I’d try to half-ass a run in the afternoon, but by then I was damaged from my morning and it never went well.

I’ve mentioned it in the past few posts, but this week was really tough on me. I can’t remember the last time I cried so much or was so sad and angry at things happening in my work life and personal life. Needless to say, I was not about to set an alarm for 5:00 am this morning and try to force something that wasn’t going to work.  The last thing I need right now is a shitty long run. I also can’t run on my normal long run route because of a massive wildfire happening in the area. Not only is the freeway, the only open route there, at risk of  closing, but it’s very smoky and ashy and really not safe (I’m in no way complaining about not being able to run there – I’m much more concerned for human lives, wildlife and people’s homes. I know people who live in the evacuation zones and I’m concerned for them. Me not being able to run in my preferred spot? Not an issue.) 

In any case, I started to worry that a run wasn’t going to happen today (and it really needs to) and I had already messed up my original plan. But, as I was thinking of an alternative plan, it hit me like a ton of bricks – I don’t have to stick to a standard plan. I can do what works for me. Imagine that! My best runs have been the ones where I don’t pressure myself, don’t worry about time and I don’t try to wake up at the crack of dawn…so why not continue that?

Sure, I won’t be mimicking race day conditions, but I think the most important thing for me right now is to simply get the miles in and have fun. I’ve had so many race day failures that it’s almost a miracle that I still want to keep trying. I’m a third of the way through training for Chicago and while I haven’t been hitting my mileage goals the past few weeks, I feel so much better (physically) than I ever did before and I feel like things are looking up a bit.  If everything goes well with today’s run, my mileage will be closer to where it should be at this point in the cycle. I also think things will settle down a bit and I can get into a good weekly routine. Ideally, I’d like to hit three 4.5 mile runs, a longer mid-week run of 6-8 miles and a long run on the weekends. The 4.5 mile runs feel pretty short to me now that I’ve been doing that route consistently and I’ve really been enjoying them.

I’m done trying to fit into the runner’s box. I might not be the best runner and I may never accomplish something like earning a BQ, but all I want at this point is to cross the finish line and be proud of myself and my time.  I’m really excited this time around for Chicago and I want to spend every step happy and in the moment.  Life is too short and there are too many other things to worry about. Training for a marathon should be fun, not torture. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and stop worrying so much and I plan to do just that later today.