Yoga Pants Life

Blogging is a tricky thing. There are so many things I want to post, but feel I can’t because it may involve someone or something other than myself.  I learned the hard way in my early 20s that posting stuff on the internets for everyone to see can have some very negative consequences.  Thankfully, the only real consequence of that incident was getting a few toxic people out of my life (perhaps they are non-toxic, fabulous people now…who knows…but at the time? Not people I needed in my life…the worst part is, I didn’t even say anything bad about them or specific to them…but they somehow twisted it around. Drama – I don’t miss it!) and I can’t say that’s a bad thing. Still, in hindsight, I wish I had kept those feelings offline.

I’m not on Facebook much these days, but I’m always amazed by what people are willing to post, especially when it concerns their jobs, finances, relationships and families.  Sure, I experience a lot of those things – I have bad days at work and my personal life, but posting about it on the internet just seems like an invitation to get fired or lose a friend.  I’m also not sure any good comes out of something like that anyway.  Like, has anyone’s boss ever been all, “oh! you’re unhappy with the the assignment I gave you and called me an ‘asshat’ on the interwebs? Let me give you a raise!!!” (If you or someone you know has experienced that, please let me know, because I need to get a job there!)

So why am I posting this? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. All I know is that I’m feeling unsettled today. Nothing bad happened and in the grand scheme of things, life is fine right now…but something feels off and I can’t quite pinpoint it. Maybe it’s family stuff, maybe it’s personal relationships, maybe it’s a bunch of little things at my job that keep adding up to the point where the frustration is about to bubble over (before anyone alerts the news outlets of a wayward, angry employee, please know that my job frustration is usually resolved by running and giving things a few days to blow over.)  Maybe it’s all the self-doubt I have about attempting to run another marathon. Maybe it’s because my savings isn’t where I’d like it to be. It’s probably all of these things.

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo and I’m not quite sure how to get out of it, and the more I think about it, the more overwhelming and insurmountable it becomes. I spend most Sundays crying because I just don’t want to deal with adulting anymore. Work, thinking about taking care of aging relatives in the future, paying bills, worrying that I’ll be single forever and did I mention working? (I actually like my job just fine – it’s the best I’ve had yet. I’m really lucky…and yet, I don’t want to work.) I’ve been through so much worse in my life that everything happening now is pretty ‘meh’ …but I could really use a few days of pure happiness and contentment to get back on track, because I really can’t remember the last time I had ‘ERMERGERD THE BEST DAY EVER’ Even if I had the top few things I want right now, I’m still not sure I’d be 100% happy.

I hate talking about goals and the few times I’ve put goals on this blog (or made them in general) I stop talking about them and fall short. 2017 was going to be my year of ‘shut up and get it done’ and I’m not really sure how much progress I’ve made with that. Of course, there’s some stuff that I’m not comfortable talking about either. Like, nobody needs to know my savings account balance or the amount of student loan debt I have. Nor does anybody need to know my weight or dress size.

That said, I’d like to revive the ‘shut up and get it done’ thing because I feel like I need to work towards something more than what I’ve been doing. Maybe I need to break things up into REALLY small chunks to achieve them (after all, I am the person who lists ‘make bed’ on my to-do list, even though the first thing I do every. single. day. is make my bed.) Because when I start saying things like “I want the ability to retire or drop to part-time by 45” and be “totally debt-free by 40” and “I would like to be a size 4 by the end of the year” I get overwhelmed because they all feel totally insurmountable (even though they are all attainable.)

So, here are the goals I’m going to set for myself right now that I’m actually willing to share on the interwebs:

(1.) Save an additional $1500 in by short-term savings by the end of the year

(2.) Finish the Chicago Marathon with a sub 5:30 time

(3.) Get a loan that’s currently at $6200 down to $5000 by the end of the year

These? don’t seem too difficult and while I know that completing any of these things are not a guarantee that I’ll be happier, I think it will help. Notice how I left off things about weight and size? I can’t let that get to me anymore. I’m working out more than ever and am in the best shape of my life (so far.) The eating is getting better, as I’m adding more produce (and quality calories) back into my diet. The rest will take care of itself.  I’m happy with the direction that’s been going in, even if it’s a slower than I would like.

That’s all the pent-up angst I have to share today – stay tuned! I’m off for workout number 2 of the day!

(I’m about to hit ‘publish’ and as silly and ridiculous as this blog post is, it was really cathartic….so, if you made it this far, thanks for reading.)