Yoga Pants Life

So, apparently I will never outgrow my awkward stage, which, is a shame. I feel like the thing that got me through my teen years (and then my 20s) was that I had the grand illusion that the next decade would be better because I’d totally have life figured out and be living the white picket fence dream. HA! Needless to say, this is not the case.

I’m not sure what expectations I have for my 40s, as I’m currently in denial that I will, in fact, eventually turn 40 one day. On the one hand, I feel like I have nowhere to go but up. But on the other, I seem to be stuck in the same place and I can’t imagine life will be drastically different in 5.35 years. Though, I doubt I’ll be out of my awkward phase by then.

If anything, I feel like the older I get, the more awkward I am. Maybe it’s because the social etiquette expectations seem to increase as we age (not bringing a hostess gift in your 20s? Totally ok because everyone is fairly broke and crashing on someone’s couch drunk is the norm. But in your 30s? At the very least you’re ‘expected’ to bring wine or buy dinner every time you go to someone’s house/event. I dunno. It’s confusing.) Maybe It’s because we can’t say anything anymore without offending someone, so it takes a thousand years to form and spit out a sentence that won’t land you in the human resources office.

I’m all for being compassionate and sensitive to the needs of others and hate speech is never acceptable. But when it gets to the point where you break out in a cold sweat and panic when someone sneezes and you aren’t sure if you should say ‘bless you/guzuntite?/salud/’ so instead you don’t say anything at all…and then you spend the next 10 minutes fretting over if the person is offended because you didn’t say anything at all? It’s gone too far (this actually happened to me today, and yes, I’m still stressing about it, thanks for asking.)

I’m attending a conference for work next week and while there are workshops and learning opportunities, it’s also a networking event. Gulp. If I can’t figure out how to address someones sneeze, how in the actual eff am I going to socialize with people, much less network for possible future career opportunities? Do I really have to wear white to the white party? Why is there a white party? What is this – East Hampton??!! I need to figure out a way to be comfortable with myself that doesn’t involve a gallon of booze (because, work event…and I don’t want a hangover…and I REALLY don’t want to do something stupid.) Hopefully there will be other kindred spirits there and we can all be one happy awkward temporary family.

Of course, this post is about much more than three days of networking. I’ve been thinking so much lately about what I want out of life. I have almost no desire to be a high-powered career person (heaven forbid I acknowledge I’m female.) While I like my job, I really see it as a way to pay bills and get benefits. Most of the time I’m content with it, until someone comments that I’m not reaching my potential and I should be aiming higher, blah, blah, blah. I really don’t care. I just want to make a bit more money and bide my time until retirement when I can hang with my cats, run/train for marathons, finally learn to sew, quilt and garden, spend hours in my kitchen pretending I’m Ina Garten, travel, develop deeper relationships with friends and family…you get the gist. OH! AND WEAR YOGA PANTS 24/7/365!!! (can’t believe I almost forgot about that!) I’m still trying to figure out how I can make it happen long before 60.

I may never outgrow my awkward stage, but I sure hope I can reach a stage in my life where I am content. Truly and fully content. Maybe then I won’t have to worry about holding myself back. Or what other people think of my life choices. Or how to address someone’s sneezing problem.