Yoga Pants Life

So, yeah, pretty much skipped right over my 2nd and now 3rd month of marathon training. I started this blog to talk about my marathon training and life adventures and I can’t bring myself to talk about them right now. I’m struggling. Big time. At first, I thought the problem was just running, but as the days and weeks pass, I know it’s not just running that has me down. I’m struggling with my job, my finances and love life (or, lack thereof.)  …but I’m also not sure if my feelings are really about the running/finances/single life, or if these are all merely symptoms of depression.

Having been through several significant episodes of depression in the last decade, I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m sliding into right now. While it seems like I should be able to ‘self-diagnose’ depression at this point, I’m always kind of hesitant to do so and it usually takes me a few weeks (or months) to figure out out. Everyone has good days and bad days whether or not depression is a factor. Unfortunately, shit sandwiches are a regular offering in the smorgasbord of life (seriously, did I just use that?) and nobody is exempt from having one shoved down their throats now and again.

I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling. It’s apathy mixed with sadness and major lack of self confidence. I feel like I don’t have the energy to take action and make things right again. I’m crying a lot, but I’m also shrugging a lot with a glazed-over look on my face. I feel like I have zero fucks to spare about anything right now.

And honestly, I’m wondering if throwing all this up on the interwebs is a really bad idea (I’m guessing it is) but I need to get it out because holding it in isn’t helping me either. I should probably also share that I’m not suicidal and I also feel grateful to have a decent job with really good benefits (and people,) two months of expenses in the bank (plus retirement funds that I’m pretty stoked about…I should probably be saving more, but it seems like I’m way ahead of my peers and I feel good about…I’ve been saving/investing for 11 years so far and it’s starting to payoff) and I’m actually not really all that concerned bout being single.In other words, I’m not really sure why I’m upset about all of it.

As for the running, I’ve been keeping up with my short runs and I’m getting a lot faster and things are generally much easier than they used to be. I almost feel like I’m flying sometimes and I know I’ve come a long way from where I started a few years ago. It’s the long runs that I can’t seem to get into a groove with (and, you know, long runs are absolutely necessary to safely run a marathon.) For some reason, I just can’t get out of my head during my long runs and I’m constantly beating myself up over pace and fueling. I’m trying to get back on track, and, to that end, I’ve been splitting my long runs into two parts. It’s not ideal, and it’s not going to get me a great time, but it’s better than nothing.

I only have 6.5 weeks left until the Chicago Marathon – I need to get my act together, fast. At this point, I’ve pretty much thrown any time goals out the window and am just worried about finishing without injuring myself. I hope to finish 15-18 miles all in one shot this weekend and I’ve already scheduled a massage Saturday afternoon to keep me motivated (this is why my emergency fund isn’t growing.) This is so much harder than I imagined. All of it.