Yoga Pants Life

I’m having a lovely, lazy Saturday so far. In my book, there’s almost nothing greater than sleeping in, waking up slowly in your warm bed, savoring a warm cup of fresh coffee while perusing the internet/catching up on blogs/reading/catching up on all my DVR’d shows and cuddling with kitties (though, they’re less ‘snuggly’ today and more ‘lets chase each other around every square foot of the condo and destroy any cords, wires and breakables in our path’ – they are lucky they are so cute!) I love that I can wear yoga pants all day without judgement and come and go as I please. Mornings like today are the very reason I want to retire early and live my ‘all yoga pants, all the time’ dream (or at least have the option.) 

It’s hard to imagine that a mere seven months ago, I would have been chugging the last of my coffee, throwing on work-appropriate attire and rushing out the door while shoving toast in my mouth and hopping in my car to drive the 1.5 miles to my part-time library gig (shameful driving that short of a distance, I know…but it was the only way I’d get there on time.) I worked 85-90% of Saturdays for 18 months (along with evenings M-Th…after working 8 hours at my full-time gig) and while I loved working at the library, the schedule (among other things that I don’t want to mention in a public forum) was really, REALLY starting to wear on me.

The thing is, I really miss the job. I miss working in a library (challenging as it could be) I feel like I missed learning really crucial things that I wanted to learn about the workings of the library and the community we served (due to my limited availability…because, you know, there’s the whole ‘I’m an adult who has bills to pay and needs health insurance’ thing.) I miss being surrounded by books, learning about new technologies and putting displays together. I miss seeing people get excited about the library. I could go on and on…

I miss many of my coworkers and the patrons we served. Every other place I’ve ever worked, I’ve always been able to go back and feel good about it. This time? It’s too painful.Yes, it was my choice to leave and I know it was the right choice. I had pretty much given up on running (I was lucky if I made it on the treadmill once a week,) I often declined plans with friends in favor of resting, cooking and prepping for the next stressful work week. And, if I’m really being honest, burning the candle at all ends wasn’t enabling me to do the best work possible at either job. Even so, it’s still pretty raw and emotional for me. I kind of feel like I lost a huge piece of my identity when I quit the job.

I often joke about how lazy I am (I mean, this blog is titled ‘yoga pants life’ my ultimate dream is to wear yoga pants all day – it’s doesn’t get more lazy or sloth-like than that, folks!) but even though I’m inclined to be lazy, I don’t want to be seen as someone who isn’t pulling her weight and is just generally awful to be around. I still feel like I have a lot of rebuilding and catching up  to do. I want to learn and grow and in order to do that, I need to make the time and effort to do so…and it’s hard to carve out time when you’re working and commuting 60+ hours a week.

In the end, I stuck with the job that pays my bills and keeps a roof over my head. I went with the job that is stable and that provides excellent health and retirement benefits. I kept the  job that while sometimes easy and boring, allowed me to simply breathe. Maybe going with the stable and ‘known’ is the cowardly choice, but it was the right choice for me at the time.

Don’t get me wrong – I like my current job. I work with some wonderful people and enjoy what I do (even if I wish I got paid a bit more to do it.) I also couldn’t ask for a more beautiful location to work (how many people work that close to the beach?!) But I feel like something is missing…it’s kind of like an ‘okay’ relationship. You are content and things are good…you love the person and enjoy being with them and may even possibly see a future with them…but something just isn’t quite 100% and it’s not the knock-your-socks-off, blow-your-hair-back, can’t-keep-your-hands-off-of-each-other romance that you crave. Like, Nicholas Sparks won’t be writing about your love story anytime soon.

Quitting my library gig actually taught me a lot – it really helped me solidify some financial goals and get my life together. After all, you can’t really take a chance on that risky, lower-paying gig or pick up and start over in a new city if you don’t have the funds (or maybe you can…I don’t know…it just feels like a stupid, irresponsible thing to attempt in your 30s.) You can’t walk away from the job that doesn’t fulfill you if you are relying on that paycheck.

Perhaps most importantly, It taught me to stand up for myself and say ‘enough is enough’ and mean it. It doesn’t mean that I make a scene or go overboard…it’s more about knowing what my limits are and walking away when things get too toxic.

I know I’ll appreciate my decision even more after the time change tonight, as it will be safe to resume running on trails/at the beach after work for the next six months. I have nothing holding me back from jumping into marathon training. I don’t get home every day feeling totally frazzled and needing to decompress. I have nearly every Saturday to myself and can be as lazy, social and active as I choose. I have my evenings free to do what I want to do and it’s a wonderful feeling.

I’m not really sure what my next steps are…I kind of want to keep everything ‘status quo’ until the marathon happens in October (this may be my final attempt at running one, so I want to do it right.) I don’t need any big life changes right now (there’s been enough of that in the last few years.) My only goals for this year are to run and save as much money as possible, while taking care of the stuff I already have…and to appreciate every lazy day.